3 Lessons in Apologizing
One of my recent discoveries is the reality that each of us has a preferred apology language. Mine takes a bit more effort than most people require, but rarely do those in my circle have to apologize. They just don’t do things that violate my trust very often.
With the exception of last week.
I scheduled an important business meeting with someone in the midst of my interview cycle. I like to give people a perspective of my work up close and personally so that they have a specific understanding of the importance of what they’re potentially able to do. The meeting was set based on their availability. It was virtual. Attendance could be from anywhere. No video, either. Just the opportunity to listen to me do what I do.
And they didn’t show up.
A couple hours later, I received a text apology, to which I replied: “Message received. We will discuss later.”
No call to follow up. Nothing. When we did finally connect, it was clear that they believed the text apology to be sufficient and that the slate should have been wiped clean.
I don’t have time in this blog to detail the apology languages, or to even give a short lesson on professionalism. Instead, I’m going to focus on three things you should NEVER do when apologizing.
- NEVER text an apology. Texting is such an easy out and it does not effectively communicate remorse. Instead, I would argue that an apology text effectively communicates disrespect. So, if you’re really not sorry, [Sorry, not sorry!] go ahead and send it in a text. Just be prepared for a less-than-ideal response.
- NEVER equate an apology with forgiveness. Just because you’ve said “sorry” does not mean the person you’re apologizing to automatically accepts your apology and forgives you.
- NEVER assume that an apology + forgiveness = a clean slate. It doesn’t. This is the difference between being “sorry” and being repentant. A repentant person admits their wrong, asks for forgiveness, and then does whatever possible to make things right without the expectation of receiving anything in return. This is far afield of what tends to happen, but is reflected in the behavior of the highest performers in the world. To us, anything less is a waste of our time.
If organizational cultures are a reflection of the worst behavior a leader will tolerate, why isn’t this addressed in the onboarding process? As leaders, we need stop complaining about the lack of professionalism we’re seeing in our agencies and start stepping in to show them how to be better. What they do with it after is entirely up to them.
If we train them and they choose not to grow from it, the consequences are theirs.
If we choose not to show them a better, more excellent way, the consequences are ours.
In this case, I’ve decided to extend grace and give this person a second chance. If nothing else comes of it, I’ll be able to show them what excellence looks like in my high-performing culture.